I have just been sent a link to a video currently on Facebook. The video has been uploaded by The Funniest Videos (sic). If I tell you the video is called: ‘How to treat a woman lmfao’, you can probably guess how it’s going to pan out.
This video is an amalgamation of clips from Gordon Ramsay’s cooking programmes, ‘cleverly’ edited to make it appear that Mr Ramsay is demonstrating how to roger a woman senseless. The ‘demonstration’ begins with a prolonged shot of Mr Ramsay sharpening a lethal-looking knife, which is wrong on so many levels I don’t know where to begin.
This is the gist of the commentary (these are all actual quotes):
‘We need a nice robust tart….the most popular bird in the country….with a flexible body….firm breasts but nice and bouncy….then just lift up the skirt and they get excited…..so they look wet….open up the legs….get your hand….three fingers….and always treat your hand like a sort of whisk….push your fingers in there and it’s nice and moist….and that confirms she’s ready for an up and down motion….Do not be scared about the bottom [laughter] that’s classed as the dark brown Rolls Royce part….get really nice and comfortable and then turn her over [more close-ups of sharpening of knives, accompanied by slashing sounds] and BANG up the butt….imagine you’re holding a tennis racquet….confident grip….firm push….push push push….straight in the butt crack….and just up and down, up and down….it’s so easy to cream in literally minutes….the secret now is to make sure that we definitely don’t go for a pee…..mmm mmm mmm…..and then BANG, out it pops….You get to release it from the bottom and then just drip a nice creamy white liquid down the bottom like some form of decoration and just let it drizzle out….Don’t touch your face, especially not your eyes…..it smells like fish….it’s strong, it’s slightly sour but it’s creamy and it’s packed with fucking grease’.
The saddest thing of all is that I was sent the link by a female friend, and the amount of women (as well as men) who have ‘liked’ the video makes me feel like banging my head against a brick wall.